jet lag

i've taken two benedrals, contemplating brewing up a strong cup of valerian tea and just ate half a mint cliff bar and it's ick 4:33 in the morning.whatevs. so i love doing things for pleasure, but lately the joys that i once obtained from simple pleasures, such as eating fun foods,has waned. disturbingly i have to admit with shame, i think i've lost my beloved sweet tooth. and it's freaking me out. i'm rather apathetic with food lately,eating purely for necessity, how boring! candy stores, toppings on ice cream and pretty tarts used to elate me, and now i feel like i'm appreciating their aesthetic charm more than their actual savor. not to say that a california yogurt shop with unlimited toppings doesn't ignite some spirit of interest, but it's just not the same as it used to be. i actually passed two candy stores while walking with caitlin in san fransisco that were dazzling with every type of treasured confection one could conjure up in their mind. but ew to me, i passed it by and appreciated it as purely eye candy, like a beautiful monet. when did my endearment of sweets wither? this may seem like a trivial inquiry of identity development, but when something that gave you utter joy fades, one questions why and whether or not this is just an inevitable attitude of blasé maturation or the spark to find new pleasures? obviously, candy is not the driving motivation in my life, HOWEVER it was a simple pleasure that flowered my everyday existence. for some people it's their cup of coffee in the morning, or their silly daily rituals that keep themselves subconsciously entertained, but it's those little things in life that i truly admire. it seems that as a child you are in a constant state of infatuation. everything is new and discoveries are epiphanies and the world is huge. but sadly then, it seems that once we create a content level of discovery for ourselves, our admiration of the little things in life simply fades. obviously not for all people and probably most people still have little things in life that preoccupy their routine lifestyles, but what the hell, i don't want the little things to become jaded by routine or overindulgence!WAH. i guess that's a big problem for me. the moment i LOVE something, i can't get enough of it. take stew. lindsey and i would conjure up a divine pot of stew made from incrediants and flavor combinations i think would appal you.but we loved it and then we hated it. we ate stew, the same stew for a couple weeks and then was repulsed by it. same goes for eggplant. i was enamored of this untouched vegetable that i had never given a chance, so i ate it, everyday. and then i couldn't look at it anymore. obviously life is about balance, so i need to control my lust for what i love and only allow it on occasions? ah i don't know, but that would be the most logical thing to do. i think about the pace of life that i live, compared to the pace of life that my friends and my family lives. some people work off extremes, while some people succeed through small increments of productivity. omg i am so not like that. for me, i wait till something is in drastic need of accomplishing and then voila! i do it and i work off the absolute necessity for completion that it's calling for. often this is called procrastination by those that don't experience the flow that urgency delivers. but i can totally see how it's dysfunctional and there are certain areas in my life that would DEFINITELY benefit from incremental behaviors. well back to candy and eggplant, i had something unusual happen. i'm always bewildered by sports fans. i just didn't fricken understand how someone can become so devoted and inspired and entranced by watching a sports game on tv. i tried to ask people impartially what the appeal was, but i never received a convincing or enlightening answer.but i knew that there was SOMETHING that gave it wildly appealing entertainment to so many and i wished i was able to see it and enjoy it. kinda like bob dylan or mayo. i am disgusted by mayo.it's just vile. slimy,white gunk that smells like the word gunk sounds and just throws me off every time someone is eating it. but i wish i liked it, because that would just be one more thing that i could enjoy! so anyways, today my dad and i were talking about stickers and he was like, it's so odd to me that you like stickers, stickers are for kids. and then i wasn't terribly defensive but more distracted that my father couldn't see that they gave me in some odd way- pleasure. they're pretty,silly, whimsical little treasures that brighten up a cellphone, perhaps a note to someone or decor on a boring blank canvas of everyday thingies. what's not to like? see that argument sucks. i didn't convince you either about the joys of stickers.you either love it, you don't love it,you can appreciate it but don't understand it or you haven't had the AHA moment when you realize why it's so beloved. so back to the beginning thing about sports. caitlin and i plopped down on her couch and her father was watching a golf game. immediately i thought, fucking shit i have no interest in watching this. it was weird to me that they could actually be entertained by such a boring, slow, tedious game. but i was a guest, so i sucked it up and acted like i was mildly entertained. midway through the game, i watched myself once perceiving the game as utterly dull to shouting out to the screen in angst that the cute asian underdog playing against tiger would MAKE THE FRICKING HOLE. the game was no longer a vacuous form of lazy entertainment but an analysis of intention, skill and attention. these players were in a state of flow while playing that i vicariously experienced. their skillful shot i felt, their loss i sympathized. the cute asian winner guy was so humble, so intent on personal success that i truly became enamored of his specialized devotion to golf. so he won, beat tiger and i cried. uncontrollably. it was disturbing that i was crying over a televised golf game, but incredibly enlightening all the while. it was like discovering a new food that you adore or a singer or author that inspires you. i finally understood the spell that a sports game can charm you with. i deeply felt the asian winner guy's(sorry don't remember his name) jubilation and triumph. and as simple as this may be understood to others, this self discovered answer to a question that i have never understood opened my eyes just a little bit more to the ginormous world of pleasures. i'm not saying i actually want to sit down and watch an entire game on a daily or even weekly basis, but now i can understand a little more about why people are devoted when it comes to the madness of sports games. all the while the game was going, i had a bag of gummy bears at my reach and i enjoyed them fully, i hadn't had them for over a year and they tasted deeeeeeevine. jet lag is actually a cool entity of existence. it's a transition between time- leaving your mind and body in limbo. time is such a structure in our lives that it often dictates routine and supports habit. but when your time gets shifted, there's a temporal length of period that creates a block of space that allows you to reflect and capture and conjure thoughts that often are washed aside by steady daily processes. so, yeah WahOO to jet lag, not such a bad thing after all.