tehe

i have intentionally tripped and i have accidentally tripped. we all have our magical!enchanting!enlightening!spellbound drug stories up our young sleeves so i'm not going to bore you with my past tales of hallucinogenic dabbling. rather, i'll tell what happened one frosty evening in the winsome enclave of burlington, vermont. my boyfriend, my first la la LOVE, and my first MINE terminated one cold evening. i was torn to pieces, a floating tittle of anxious despair. my double bed was our double bed and my free time was usually, our free time. obviously we had lives, and friends and school and things but generally the evening time weeknights were reserved for ze man. so eventually, when we decided to make the brave cessation to a wonderful yet outgrown relationship, i was thrown in the depths of despair, distraught by our decision yet polarized by our cognizance. after two weeks of feeling like EFFING SHIT from not sleeping at all and the looming threat of finals in the coming week, i stumbled my wilting little self to the psychiatrist to find a remedy to sooth my sleeplessness.needless to say, it was piece of cake. i am not one to abuse drugs, alcohol or food, but when you have gone two weeks with around two hours of restless sleep a night, your delirious self JUMPS at the opportunity to be given magic potions. that being said, the lovely, sensitive and benevolent crew at the college campus psychology department gave me a precious prescription for Ambien sleep aids, technically termed-hypnotics. i trudged home through the snow, got in my floral night gown, lit my favorite yankee candle scent(greenhouse) turned on the calming grooves of the victoria's secret soundtrack, brewed myself a steep mug of valerian tea, popped an ambien in my mouth and slid under my white comforter sipping my herby tincture. my mind was apathetic to lots, so ooooofcourse i wasn't actually going to read the massive direction slash ingredients slash warning sheets that pharmy people stuff in the paper bag. so after twenty five minutes of lying in a woe-is-me state, i suddenly started feeling ..funny.like goofy, like really really REALLY happy. my head felt a bit wider, clearer and i was awfully giggly for being alone, in my bed, by myself with no form of entertainment but myself. i wasn't reading a book, the tv wasn't on, what the hell could be so funny? but these weren't questions that i was actually asking myself during the moment, because i was having a dandy old time! i called my friend and started talking what i was later told-absolute nonsense, something about donkeys and pajamas, she was confused, and i was utterly..amused. my colorful turquoise sea inspired room felt like a blissful nook filled with grace. the smell of my candle softened the air and the victoria's secret melody, titled, daydreaming, was flowering the room with glorious sound. but then BOOM. i woke up the next morning. well rested but confused. the confused type of confusion when you wake up in someones room on the weekend and you have no idea where the hell you are or what the hell you got yourself into. holy shit, i realized.i blacked out. i didn't remember talking to my friend or falling asleep or setting my alarm. but just like the morning after any overindulgent drinking night, i knew for sure, i had had a REALLY good time. turns out, valerian root is stronger than i had ever imagined. a loose tea that you can find at any co-op, valerian is a natural sleep aid that i took for granted. thinking it was going to have minimal, to no effects on my sleeping, i didn't even think twice when drinking it with my dose of pharmy magic. as it so happens, the combination of the two was quite a transcendent experience, and would i try this again? obvi!

 

my most recently completed craft! i am sans job and enamored of colorful things, so while picking out a paint color for my room at home depot, i was transfixed by all the FREE paint color sheet thingies that look like bookmarks..ah dunno what they're called.so i took like 300 and felt sketchy but whatever, it's amurica! and stuffed my longchamp pocketbook full of delightful art supplies. i came home, got out my electric glue gun(greatest thing ever) and got to crafting.after seriously 10 hours of cutting and gluing-voilà- this was born.

jet lag

i've taken two benedrals, contemplating brewing up a strong cup of valerian tea and just ate half a mint cliff bar and it's ick 4:33 in the morning.whatevs. so i love doing things for pleasure, but lately the joys that i once obtained from simple pleasures, such as eating fun foods,has waned. disturbingly i have to admit with shame, i think i've lost my beloved sweet tooth. and it's freaking me out. i'm rather apathetic with food lately,eating purely for necessity, how boring! candy stores, toppings on ice cream and pretty tarts used to elate me, and now i feel like i'm appreciating their aesthetic charm more than their actual savor. not to say that a california yogurt shop with unlimited toppings doesn't ignite some spirit of interest, but it's just not the same as it used to be. i actually passed two candy stores while walking with caitlin in san fransisco that were dazzling with every type of treasured confection one could conjure up in their mind. but ew to me, i passed it by and appreciated it as purely eye candy, like a beautiful monet. when did my endearment of sweets wither? this may seem like a trivial inquiry of identity development, but when something that gave you utter joy fades, one questions why and whether or not this is just an inevitable attitude of blasé maturation or the spark to find new pleasures? obviously, candy is not the driving motivation in my life, HOWEVER it was a simple pleasure that flowered my everyday existence. for some people it's their cup of coffee in the morning, or their silly daily rituals that keep themselves subconsciously entertained, but it's those little things in life that i truly admire. it seems that as a child you are in a constant state of infatuation. everything is new and discoveries are epiphanies and the world is huge. but sadly then, it seems that once we create a content level of discovery for ourselves, our admiration of the little things in life simply fades. obviously not for all people and probably most people still have little things in life that preoccupy their routine lifestyles, but what the hell, i don't want the little things to become jaded by routine or overindulgence!WAH. i guess that's a big problem for me. the moment i LOVE something, i can't get enough of it. take stew. lindsey and i would conjure up a divine pot of stew made from incrediants and flavor combinations i think would appal you.but we loved it and then we hated it. we ate stew, the same stew for a couple weeks and then was repulsed by it. same goes for eggplant. i was enamored of this untouched vegetable that i had never given a chance, so i ate it, everyday. and then i couldn't look at it anymore. obviously life is about balance, so i need to control my lust for what i love and only allow it on occasions? ah i don't know, but that would be the most logical thing to do. i think about the pace of life that i live, compared to the pace of life that my friends and my family lives. some people work off extremes, while some people succeed through small increments of productivity. omg i am so not like that. for me, i wait till something is in drastic need of accomplishing and then voila! i do it and i work off the absolute necessity for completion that it's calling for. often this is called procrastination by those that don't experience the flow that urgency delivers. but i can totally see how it's dysfunctional and there are certain areas in my life that would DEFINITELY benefit from incremental behaviors. well back to candy and eggplant, i had something unusual happen. i'm always bewildered by sports fans. i just didn't fricken understand how someone can become so devoted and inspired and entranced by watching a sports game on tv. i tried to ask people impartially what the appeal was, but i never received a convincing or enlightening answer.but i knew that there was SOMETHING that gave it wildly appealing entertainment to so many and i wished i was able to see it and enjoy it. kinda like bob dylan or mayo. i am disgusted by mayo.it's just vile. slimy,white gunk that smells like the word gunk sounds and just throws me off every time someone is eating it. but i wish i liked it, because that would just be one more thing that i could enjoy! so anyways, today my dad and i were talking about stickers and he was like, it's so odd to me that you like stickers, stickers are for kids. and then i wasn't terribly defensive but more distracted that my father couldn't see that they gave me in some odd way- pleasure. they're pretty,silly, whimsical little treasures that brighten up a cellphone, perhaps a note to someone or decor on a boring blank canvas of everyday thingies. what's not to like? see that argument sucks. i didn't convince you either about the joys of stickers.you either love it, you don't love it,you can appreciate it but don't understand it or you haven't had the AHA moment when you realize why it's so beloved. so back to the beginning thing about sports. caitlin and i plopped down on her couch and her father was watching a golf game. immediately i thought, fucking shit i have no interest in watching this. it was weird to me that they could actually be entertained by such a boring, slow, tedious game. but i was a guest, so i sucked it up and acted like i was mildly entertained. midway through the game, i watched myself once perceiving the game as utterly dull to shouting out to the screen in angst that the cute asian underdog playing against tiger would MAKE THE FRICKING HOLE. the game was no longer a vacuous form of lazy entertainment but an analysis of intention, skill and attention. these players were in a state of flow while playing that i vicariously experienced. their skillful shot i felt, their loss i sympathized. the cute asian winner guy was so humble, so intent on personal success that i truly became enamored of his specialized devotion to golf. so he won, beat tiger and i cried. uncontrollably. it was disturbing that i was crying over a televised golf game, but incredibly enlightening all the while. it was like discovering a new food that you adore or a singer or author that inspires you. i finally understood the spell that a sports game can charm you with. i deeply felt the asian winner guy's(sorry don't remember his name) jubilation and triumph. and as simple as this may be understood to others, this self discovered answer to a question that i have never understood opened my eyes just a little bit more to the ginormous world of pleasures. i'm not saying i actually want to sit down and watch an entire game on a daily or even weekly basis, but now i can understand a little more about why people are devoted when it comes to the madness of sports games. all the while the game was going, i had a bag of gummy bears at my reach and i enjoyed them fully, i hadn't had them for over a year and they tasted deeeeeeevine. jet lag is actually a cool entity of existence. it's a transition between time- leaving your mind and body in limbo. time is such a structure in our lives that it often dictates routine and supports habit. but when your time gets shifted, there's a temporal length of period that creates a block of space that allows you to reflect and capture and conjure thoughts that often are washed aside by steady daily processes. so, yeah WahOO to jet lag, not such a bad thing after all.

LA SOUL COLLAGE

 

soul collages are the best. gather magazines, newspapers, anything that you can find inspiration from and cut. whenever a picture, article or photo catches your fancy,or tiiiickles your soul, cut it out and voila-you have probably one of the most fun crafts to do alone or with comrads, the soul collage. these soul collages were made at the DRCC where we sat in a calm, tranquil room and crafted to our heart's desire. the paper behind the collages is actually off of a roll of delightful wallpaper that i recently picked up that i plan on using for a future room, in my future house.

deviant art

it was the summer before senior year in highschool. i had just returned home from a marvelous, PG, dazzling three week adventure abroad in barcelona, españaaaa. i was wicked tan, skiiiiiineeee, and kinda a babe. so what better time to strut my post european stuff? so we had three weeks left before the school year began. high school was boring, so any chance to do anything remotely unorthodox was jumped on immediately. senior editor in chief of the school newspaper, political cartoonist for the washington post,man,idol, wizard, none other then the prodigy himself, eric freeegen shansby was asked and agreed to draw us in la nude. heeheeeheeee. so we frolicked over to the local candy store, bought donuts, salt and vinegar chips and starbursts.then we locked ourselves in marisa shweberkorans guest room on sycamore avenue and got nakeee. i wore my posh, black, thick framed glasses and posed very titanicesque.eric is an arteest, so this wasn't a giggle fest, it was his task at hand, his virtue. amy posed and said after the drawing was completed she looked like a constipated monkey. iiiii on the other hand, looked quite sophisticated AND skinny AND TAN, but now i have a debilitating horrifying fear of melanoma and aging skin so i am now pale and crusty. sike, not crusty, yet. so we got drawn it was FUN FUN FUN, we thanked our artist and then he went off to Yale to become an enchanting sorcerer. SO anyways, wahoo lucky me, two weeks ago (age 23, one year out of college), I GOT TO HAVE A CHINESE DINNER WITH him aaaand fricken Norm the Toive. we ate reaally quickly, talked about girls, boys and mysticism and then walked over to the playhouse where nora barked at the theater attendant for being disrespectful for not letting us in because we were 5 minutes late. god, what a stiff!but we got in, watched young twentysomethings lament about breakups and hookups and warlords and then we said farewell. eric,want to paint me at age 23? we can cover the 20 extra pounds with floral decor.

freeeeegen amazing floral fabric i found today

 

i am such an old woman, but i love anything floral, i mean it has to be legit floral not icky, fake, surfer shit floral, but vintage, delicate and juuuuuust what i found today!!!!

sheeeesh i want ice cream!

when i want ice cream, i want every inch of it covered in candy, or else i'm unsatisfied. none of this fruit on the top nonsense, i'm talking gummy bears, rainbow sprinkles, and m@ms. in a perfect world, they'd offer purple and red sour skittles.

my enchanting day at polly sue's

little boys

little boys are confusing to me. last week i worked at a four day kids camp at the national bay harbor. i needed the cash to help fund my next adventure, chicago with amy and kamala and san fransisco with cdunn. so i arrived there and i was immediately bewildered. there were 400 mouse droppings in total and i lucked out to have 7, southern, conservative-palin-lovin'-9 year old boys. it was weird. at lunch, i was eating my voucher chicken caesar salad while maintaining the rabid weasels running around the cafeteria and coming back to me with jelly bellies they didn't pay for when all the sudden i was knocked over the head by a plastic dinosaur head on a stick that a kid named ridge from Tennessee had bought at the gift store. the boys were obsessed with the gift store. this one kid who looked like a shrunken down 45 year old man, would buy every type of candy at the gift store with the 20 bucks his parents gave him and then he would sell (and rip off the kids) little pieces of it for 25 cents to everyone. my other friend paul, was a devout arizonian mormon who picked his nose and ate his boogers. then there was daniel who looked like professor dumbledor and gave me his favorite deviled egg recipe, bought a foot long stick of pucker powder and explained to me the properties of soil manure and how he was accidentally given wassabie under his eel role one night at dinner this week. he was interesting, amusing and had great fashion. at lunch, i said 'yo guys, you have so much junk all over your mouth every day after lunch,' and shortly after it was rubbed off their face and onto their shirt. my dad brought up a good point-that these boys are completely oblivious and unselfconscious, which i witnessed and enjoyed every day. we were at the arlington cemetary and an older man was acting as tour guide to our combined group of 30 youngsters. it was question time, and the most adorable little girl asked, "um, like uh um, how old are the people that are in the graveyard?"she was too cute. so in the end, there were boogers, eye crust, sloppy eating habits, and small acts of violence, but for those four days, i got to travel back to a time where i was the center of it all, where the world was overwhelming with curiosity and where my main purpose on this glorious planet earth was simply, to have a good time.