Every now and then these days, I'll be driving down route 7 to go do work for this awesome non-profit that I'm volunteering for, and I'll have what I consider a moment. Lately, my mind is always racing with things I need to do, things I want to do, things I should have done and things I haven't done. Hectic, eh! A monkey mind indeed. Yet in Argentina my mind was gliding tranquilly at the pace of Pachelbel's Canon; an airy, wondrous happy coma of awe and enchantment! But here, that pace of life just doesn't compliment the commitments and goals that I've vaguely blueprinted into my life's current plan. Now, I have to get things done. And sometimes that stresses me out. SO MUCH that I don't accomplish anything, at all. And then the next day I freak out and realize how much everything means to me and then I Get Busy.
So on to my moment. It's when I'm in that space in time when I'm what you would consider very un-present; utterly involved in my head and fully engrossed in a thought, but generally, it's not even a thought because I can't even remember what I was thinking. oy! Like when you're spacing out while reading a book and then boom you realize you haven't been reading anything but your eyes have been skimming down the lines in a mechanized trance; doing what you should be doing but not actually doing it. So my moment occurred when I had that snap back into reality. A moment of mindful awareness, I suppose. Things slowed down and I fully sunk into the reality that I was experiencing, directing, following. These moments happen every now and then and it feels as if there's almost two of me in the one of me. The me that is the conductor and the me that is the passenger. Often times it feels as if there's a force that's gently pushing me forward saying the world is going to keep going with or without you. In the past I've felt like I let myself slip behind and somehow justified that if it took this much effort then maybe it just wasn't meant to be. And I guess now I've fortunately come to realize that it takes that much effort plus more and more and more and more. I do, however, think that when you love what you're doing then you have that much more energy to invest. Perhaps in the past I wasn't completely invested in my goals so it took that much more incentive and toil.
These days I'm running off some new energy that I've never quite experienced. I slept 4 wacky hours a couple nights ago and yet I was able to haul my painfully tired, withered self to an online international meeting where answers stepped out of my mouth, while half of my brain just watched and uh twitched. Then I got home and that newly mature side of me said you need to pick something up at the Howard Center-my new place of work. So I go there and pick this something up because there is that conscious reminder that it's important. So I went like a good kid. I'm experiencing a lot of confusion these days, but rather than get worked up about it, I just go with what I'm told and it slowly unfolds into clarity. Take yesterday. I had this whole misinterpretation that I was going to the Howard Center to meet with a case worker and a potential client. I get there and the case worker that I had been playing phone tag with for the past week says, OK, well why don't you just meet me in the back of the City Market parking lot and you can follow me with your car. On auto pilot, I said probably uber enthusiastically-Yeah, definitely, for sure!--even though I had no idea what in the world he was talking about. So I stomped my big boots back up to the 5th floor of the public parking garage and followed this man's car, got concerned maybe I was following the wrong car, but realized at a red light it was the right car to our mysterious destination. I thought about how sketchy this was, but then realized that this man was a licensed social worker so the thought was thrown out.
We got out of our cars and for once, I let the man speak first. I am such a yenta. I'm usually the first to gab, blab, or mumble some joke or innuendo (I take after you Dad!). So within the next minute I realized we were doing a meet and greet with a prospective client. Confusion cleared. Mystery solved.Case closed.
I followed the case worker upstairs to a desolate, somber apartment complex and let one more new experience unfold.
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